Let's Be Real, Relationships

Stop Recommending Polygamy To Cheaters

Let’s be real, the topic of polygamy, today in America, is not entirely rooted in its true purpose.

There is a universal belief that polygamy originated within African culture, but this is controversial due to the different ideologies about the origins of human life. Typically, polygamy addressed one of the two purposes: survival or wealth building.

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Preindustrial living utilized agriculture and hunting for sustainability. Therefore, someone was needed at home to nurture the children and plant life. In more developed areas of the world, the providing man understood the importance of women in family and financial wealth building. In both of these families, the two join to build and maintain their legacy. Polygamy is matriarchal in the sole purpose of it providing multiple women with resources to benefit from and manage; it involved true partnership and teamwork for the longevity of the family.

It takes a certain kind of wealth and access to resources to provide for multiple women and children at once. In consequence, men who don’t have the resources to support multiple wives are overlooked. In fact, monogamy benefits men more than it does women. I know you’re like, what girl? Yes, I said what I said.

So, to be clear, polygamy is matriarchal and rooted in the betterment of the family legacy.

Polygamy, in some sort of form, is already in effect with or without a woman’s consent. Let’s take it back to when your mother was a child. It wasn’t unusual for a man to have an entire family that lived down the street. One heated discussion turns into children finding out that they are relatives in addition to being neighbors. Modern day, men have multiple baby mothers and it’s rare for any of the women to actually have a relationship with one another. The women are too busy trying to establish dominance to understand the benefits of building a relationship with the mother of their child’s sibling(s).

It definitely takes a village to raise children, but sex shouldn’t be the reason for the village to stay connected. Did you catch that?

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I know you’re like: so, you’ve listed the benefits, but your title is misleading sis. Okay, here’s why I won’t support polygamy in my marriage or family unit: we need healing spiritually and emotionally as a community before beginning this type of union. Typically, when polygamy is referenced by American men it derives from a place of male dominance and toxicity. He gets multiple women and all the glory. Who wouldn’t want that in their life? However, that’s not what polygamy is about at its core. To clarify, not all American men view polygamy this way. However, the majority don’t understand the amount of discipline, respect and responsibility that entails providing for multiple wives. Keyword: WIVES.

Men with poor communication and relationship skills are unqualified for polygamy. If a man can’t handle the responsibilities of a relationship with one woman, why are we still recommending polygamy because he can’t get his fleshly desires under control? In polygamous relationships, conflict between the women is bound to arise. Typically, it is because of intimacy and time. It is not unusual for a woman to feel ignored by her husband and may become jealous of another (or the head) wife. It takes skill to manage and balance relationships with multiple women and fostering effective communication among them. If a man lacks that for himself, why would those traits magically appear for a polygamous relationship?

You don’t know what you don’t know. So, there are a lot of men living out their life and unaware of their own issues.

Now, I have a few words for black women too. It’s no secret that a man provides the resources and they join to collaborate together. However, the family won’t advance if she lacks direction. Leadership in a relationship is a collaboration. A wise woman once told me that he is the head and she is the neck. They both need and depend on each other. So, improvement is definitely a two way street.

It is possible to thrive economically as a family without polygamy, but it has to be done right. Every black family should have a plan for how they will hire their children when they are adults. Black men shouldn’t continue to rely on someone else to handle his family’s affairs in his absence. The family unit should have a plan for education based out of their home or with private institutions that are free from indoctrination. If possible, the family should grow some, if not all, of their own food.

As a whole, our community needs deep healing from the inside out. Yes, polygamy can propel our community economically, but material success has never been the solution for deep rooted trauma. American men and woman, or indigenous peoples, have experienced and committed acts that contribute to deep rooted damage. Furthermore, how do we truly expect women to forge genuine trust bonds after generations of neglect and pain?

We are hurting as a community and it vibrates through our actions. The beautiful thing about this revelation is that Millennials are aware of their generational curses and are taking steps to undo them. However, this takes time and dedication. Glossing over it with polygamy as the solution isn’t going to address the problem at the root.

I wholeheartedly feel that a true example of a man is one that commits to the mother of his children. The woman that he views as his wife and life partner. As long as he is committed to her, then he will always take precautions necessary for the betterment of his household. However, if he is committed to his loins and the superficial, then he will always go astray.

Let’s be clear, I understand why and how polygamy can benefit black Americans. Furthermore, I accept and understand that not all couples want a monogamous relationships.

We desperately need to heal spiritually by going inward. Heal yourself. Build a foundation, a solid one, with your partner to rear children who won’t have to heal from your family’s generational curses and trauma. After that, raise emotionally intelligent young men that can handle polygamy (if he wants that for his family). Leave them with the resources to do so in your Trust or Family Will, so that he can truly give even amount of his focus to all aspects of his life; family, career, love, and personal growth.

It may feel as though it is impossible to accomplish. If two people use their relationship as a catalyst for healing and legacy, their contributions won’t be in vain. Your spouse/partner should be your best friend and confidant. If that is the case, then they’ll never hold you back.

We can continue to focus on economics and finances for black Americans by playing catch-up or we can allow ourselves to heal on a deeper level. This healing will be the beautiful beginning of building the communities that we seek.

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C O N N E C T – W I T H – M E

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