Relationships, of all kinds, are filled with adoration, resonance, growth, and, of course, moments of differences, to say the least.
The degree to which a relationship impacts depends on the relational nature of it.
Tennessee
In the past, if you would have told me to imagine the status of my relationship with my son years from now, what it is presently is definitely not what I would have imagined. The average person would probably say that I am being dramatic. I would beg to differ.
When I found I was pregnant, I was elated. The thought that it was finally my moment to bring forth life into the world was a shift for me that I was fully prepared to make for myself. I waited to announce my pregnancy with my baby to honor my right to privacy and to allow the baby to fully develop. My decision to navigate my pregnancy this way had its own comments and stirs, but I knew where my intentions were, so I didn’t allow the judgements to deter me. I already knew I would be a crunchy mom because my professional background is in the field of Psychology. I didn’t want to get too carried away though. The year of 2018 was the culmination of many changes in my life; I had finally solidified genuine connections through networking, my romantic life had years of bustling and exciting experiences, and I had created a inarguable foundational bond with my family.
I had acquired a knack for reading, which prompted me to research and read about my pregnancy. The thought that my baby could hear and orient to my voice while in my belly was an instant bonding moment for me. As a way to incorporate this, I started to read aloud to my belly (and baby).
The day of his arrival happened and I was instantly enamored by his entire existence. I was holding a small person that I had grown inside of my body. I was in awe to say the least. We both braved through figuring out breastfeeding together. The entire weekend in the hospital I never put him down onto their bassinet. We welcomed him home and I immersed myself into motherhood. Looking back, I honestly don’t regret doing so or any of the holistic choices that were made either. He deserved every moment of my undivided attention.
We moved back to my home state to support his father’s aspirations and moved in with family. Prior to moving, I was already helping as best I could to support his dreams and also being an integral component of maintaining our household.
Georgia
My career had afforded me the ability to live alone and even with a partner, but the terrain of navigating suitable living conditions for my growing toddler was a new experience for me. We ventured out together, but stayed close to family. It came natural for me to help him explore through his senses by purchasing sensory toys and games with creative options as well.
My relationship with his father was tough and growing through becoming a single mother was a challenge as well. Yet, we persevered and with respect to my son, I maintained and emphasized the importance of his father’s presence.
He had a personality that was undeniable; it was nurtured with mutual respect and trust. The pure energy and emotions could be felt through our photographs.
We were grateful to have been given a resource to receive help to move into our first apartment together. I was excited for my son the most. We had tried a daycare while living with family and I wasn’t quite ready for it at the time. After moving into our first apartment together and temporarily paying a close friend of mine to care for him while I worked, I was finally ready for him to go to school. To be honest, it was technically a daycare, but the facility and programs ran more like a school and I preferred it that way.
In tandem with his school, I incorporated learning at home with him too. I with my college pursuits and he through educational children’s media and materials. In a sense, it was like we graduated in different ways. He was accepted into a new school program and I had received my Bachelor’s degree a few months prior to it. We moved into our new apartment and life continued to blossom for us both.
I received his official paperwork from the evaluation from his school program and my emotions were all over the place. It was the realization that hit for me. He excelled, of course. Eventually, I left my job. We experienced hardships together with people on the outside looking in on our strength to triumph past it all. It was the month of June on the 20th to be exact and he left to spend time with his father for a weekend in 2024. I never expected that he would be enrolled into school and I left without proper communication about it. It felt like something was taken from me that shouldn’t have been and I had no idea how to get it back.
Tennessee/Georgia
I would get questions about his whereabouts a lot. It was already painful enough to not have my son with me, but it felt like an intentional dagger to my heart that was being twisted and turned. I know that some people didn’t mean any harm, but some did with inquisition that was more rhetorical than anything and of a mocking nature. I frequently looked back to our memories together and I knew that something just wasn’t quite right about it all.
I refused to give in to the idea that he was not meant to be with me. Not just from my confidence of knowing how serious I took motherhood, but the fact of knowing that others knew as well. It’s like I was living in the twilight zone; now that I wasn’t with him, the blanks could be filled in at a whim.
When I would look into his face on the phone, it was like he would become further and further away from me each time. I would try to hold onto him, but each time I grabbed air in my hands. I was screaming for him and the sounds were caught in a vacuum. I was being held prisoner to the idea of actually being his mother. It’s no surprise that his father didn’t quite understand my position. Nevertheless, I was astonished because we both grew up with a two parent household.
Nothing was enjoyable. I was tolerating living life without him. I carried the weight of that everyday; replaying exactly what it was, what I said or what I did that ever gave the notion that I didn’t want my child in my life. Cycling from grief to anger and back again.
I couldn’t afford a lawyer and I wanted to be certain that my affairs were in order. When they finally moved back to Georgia, I felt a resurgence of hope. Conversations about getting him back full-time were dodged and it seemed like I was agreeing to being away from him for more time than I wanted. No matter how it was presented, I chose to believe that his father wanted our son with me. I had to believe it to keep the peace between us.
All the devotion and the love that I created for my son became a defensive armor against me and he was growing up in the middle of it. Just the awareness of that alone was soul crushing whenever I allowed myself to truly feel it. It was hard to discuss it because most people would reiterate how he’s fine because he’s with his father. “He’s a boy” and “Boys need their fathers”.
It has been two years. Two agonizing years.
Final Thoughts
When I ask if he remembers certain details about our past together, the highs and the lows, he says he doesn’t. It makes me wonder if he sees himself when he looks at photos of the younger version of himself.
I always knew that he was special; that he was different in the best ways possible. All mothers think that of their children…I believe.
My life doesn’t lack purpose without him. I just know that my life is incomplete without him. Whether the creation of him was an accident or intentional, he is a representation of love that I would never want to live without.
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C O N N E C T – W I T H – M E
The Brown Perfection 